We think we know how our internal state is portrayed and perceived, but it’s all guesswork.
Really shotty guesswork.
I went through an exercise recently where I was supposed to act like I was feeling a certain emotion. I went for the simple expression of “calm” or “content.” I figured it wouldn’t require much acting and I could just stand there, channeling calmness.
We were asked to silently group up with people who we thought were expressing the same emotion, without talking. As I looked around the room with my “calm” demeanor it seemed like everyone avoided me and my “inviting” energy.
After the activity ended and everyone disclosed what they were portraying, there was another “calm” person in the room who I’d tried to group with. When I asked them why they avoided grouping with me they said that I “looked mad.”
I probably did. In fact, multiple people told me that I looked angry.
There was a mismatch between my internal state and my outward expression. This happens all the time. Sometimes we’re trying fool people, to avoid a discussion about our feelings, but we’re not great at that either.
This mismatch between outward expression and internal state is inevitable because each person’s perception is tainted by their own experience, needs, and expectations.
Focusing on other’s perceptions of me has been the greatest barrier to my own fulfillment.
Accepting the mismatch between how I am perceived and my internal state has set me free to create a life that I love.
As a father of three, a full-time administrator in public education, starting and running my own side business, writing, and doing my best to be a supportive partner to my amazing wife who is working towards becoming a commercial pilot…prioritizing my life can feel like it’s out of my hands.
But it’s not.
My time, energy, and attention have many demands but I always have a say, especially with the last two. Even though I have to spend the hours from 8-5 at an office, I have so much freedom to choose what does and does not get my energy and attention. Even a meeting discussion that isn’t relevant to me is an opportunity to sit in silence, breathe deeply, or journal…or…I could sit in rage, build resentment for my colleagues, and type angry emails about everything that crosses my mind.
There’s always a choice.
More importantly, notice what’s missing from the list of demands above. I mentioned my job, my family, my business, my writing. These are all things I do.
What’s missing is MY ACTUAL HIGHEST PRIORITY…My mind, body, and unique purpose: the internal engine that allows for my highest expression regardless of what I’m doing. Fulfillment, living our full expression, exists within what we do.
Prioritizing my mind, body, and spirit (unique purpose) changes how I do everything; the same tasks of parenting, working, or writing take on a fresh form because the energy behind it is pure, chosen, intentional, and generous.
Prioritizing the tasks themselves will always leave us empty. We must prioritize the fuel that sustains everyday life, our internal state.
This type of prioritization allows us to shift our experience of the life that already is. Nothing external needs to change. No validation or external perception is required.
The fullness of our unique life and experience is ours to claim, here and now.
Prioritizing well-being, not well-doing
The belief that drives me to do something “well” is contingent on another’s expectations. “Well-doing” pushes us to honor something that will never be ours to claim, another’s perception of us. There’s no guarantee that someone will congratulate us, admire us, or perceive us favorably regardless of our reason for doing what we do.
The reward for prioritizing well-being is well-being.
What more could we want? When we honor our well-being we surrender the need for validation and approval. Furthermore, everything that we do is enhanced by improved health, mental clarity, and refined purpose. To do our best, at anything, we must prioritize our mind, body, and spirit above all else.
There may be people who actively try to subvert your well-being. Eating nutritiously may be criticized, exercise routines may be called “crazy,” or work habits to disengage in gossip and time wasting may be perceived as “not liking” co-workers.
It’s worth the risk, because even if you worked to please everyone you probably wouldn’t. Let it go. Turn inward and prioritize your life on your own terms.
“If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will.” - Greg McKeown, Essentialism
Our internal state will always reflect our priorities. Our time is like a river, flowing regardless of what we choose. Time passes without our permission.
Just like the image above, a heavy, well-placed rock can force the river to flow around it. If we place a healthy body, a calm mind, and our love and contribution to the world beyond the self…our mind, body, and spirit…as anchors of our every day life, time will flow around them. Answer these questions honestly:
How much of my time, energy, and attention do I spend on creating and maintaining a healthy body? Do I allow other’s beliefs about what I ought to do prevent me from trying or doing things that could enhance my physical health (i.e. exercise, nutrition, sleep, etc.)? Do I allow the busy-ness and tasks of everyday life to justify unhealthy habits?
How much of my time, energy, and attention do I spend cultivating a calm mind? Do allow other’s beliefs about what I ought to do prevent me from trying or doing things that could enhance my mental health (i.e. therapy, meditation, etc.)? Do I allow the tasks and busy-ness of everyday life to justify tumultuous mental space?
How much of my time, energy, and attention do I spend nurturing loving relationships and a contribution beyond myself? Do I allow other’s beliefs about what I ought to do prevent me from trying or doing things that could enhance my spiritual health (i.e. service, expressing love, spiritual exploration, sacred rituals)? Do I allow the tasks and busy-ness of everyday life to justify spiritual emptiness?