The Path to "Self-Love" is Not What I Thought
The sacred power of reactions, judgment, resentment, and jealousy
“Real love, always always, sets the beloved free.”
Martha Beck
I’ve spent my life being a “good kid” (also, super privileged in every way, I didn’t earn the life I’ve been given). I got straight A’s, never skipped class, was rarely late, kept the rules imposed by my church and parents, served my heart out on a two year volunteer mission, earned three college degrees, have been a thoughtful employee and boss, care deeply for my wife and three children, and have (to my knowledge) offered respect and kindness to just about everybody I’ve met. My mom has called me a “no worries boy.” I know she’s biased, but I’ve had teachers, mentors, friends, and family members offer a similar sentiment.
The problem is, I haven’t had the same regard for myself.
The feeling of “never good enough” has defined my life.
I have understood what people were saying when they described me as a “good kid,” and it has always made sense logically. There were times that I almost believed it, but all the evidence couldn’t make me feel it.
I remember actually feeling upset when people would say something about my good character traits. I felt unworthy and insecure despite all the “good choices” I’d made throughout my life.
This highlights our great limitation: We cannot know what it’s like to be anything other than that which we are.
The experience of McKinley Withers is only known by McKinley Withers.
Have you ever tried to tell someone who feels unloveable that they are loved? Or tried to convince someone who feels alone that they aren’t? Or talk someone out of feeling hopeless? Or help an insecure person feel confident?
I have. It doesn’t work.
This is because logical, linear thought is always transcended by feelings that are internally sourced (Exhibit A: modern politics; Exhibit B: our irrational, daily life choices, insecurities, and fears).
We don’t think through or logically argue our way into hopelessness, or loneliness, or sadness, or love, or satisfaction. When we feel it, it just is. Our master story-teller/meaning-maker/mind weaves validation, justification, and coherence into the experience.
This is not to say that there isn’t a reasonable explanation for our feelings, it’s an argument for which aspect of our experience is a fundamental, transcendent, and causal condition.
This, I believe, is the feeling of experience…or the experience of feeling.
Experience itself, which is always subjective, is the fundamental condition. Which means that love for oneself must be known experientially and sourced internally, not understood logically. We have to set our feelings (and ourselves) free from after-the-fact rationale.
So how do we do this?
Enter, oh great teachers: Reaction, Judgment, Resentment, and Jealousy
The Sacred Power of Reactions, Judgment, Resentment, and Jealousy
I didn’t see it coming either.
Rather than view these “4 Horsemen of the I-Suckalypse” as expressions of truth, it’s helpful to view them as superimposed, mind-made stories.
Stories that can clearly show us our unique path to self-love.
The path to self-love requires an inward turn because no person can do the work on behalf of someone else. The irony of this particular inward journey is that the world “out there” shows us more clearly what’s going on “in here.” This means that we turn inward by bringing awareness to what’s all around us…at least our story of what’s all around us.
“Only the paradox comes anywhere near to comprehending the fullness of life.” Carl Jung
I think of my mind’s stories like a series of apps that have not been consciously managed, updated, or deleted for most of my life. These apps have the ability to automatically override our screen (awareness) and crowd out other apps at any given moment to cover, sooth, or distract from underlying feelings.
Without maintenance, attention, or intention we are easily overwhelmed by the barrage of apps as they remain open and ready, stacked beyond our awareness, draining our energy.
If we pause long enough to notice each program in real time as it takes center stage (like holding our finger on the screen to swipe it upward) we reveal what the app really is–a story that represents something real, not reality itself.
Over time and with practice we can develop the ability to open and close apps with intention. Operating from an open, free interface.
Exposing the beautiful emptiness of the present moment, in all its fullness.
I will briefly share how four common apps (reactions, judgments, resentment, and jealousy) have helped me better understand my unmet needs, my deep longing, and what changes I’m being invited to make.
Reactions: It’s not me, it’s you
First of all, there’s no need to force yourself not to react to life. That further separates us from love by putting us at odds with the way things are. That was actually a main reason for my own lack of self-love, I’d managed and controlled so much that I’d lost touch with myself.
Reactions are natural. Rather than manage them, seek understanding. If we are rooted in the belief that something “out there” is causing our reactions, they they will have little to offer us.
To harness the power of our reactions we must remind ourselves that ALL meaning is mind-made. Reactions are ALWAYS created by the meaning that WE’VE given the experience.
Whether its a work email, a comment from a family member, a particular person that annoys us, a news story, or someone’s political views…the reaction is all “in here.”
Don’t get me wrong, reactions are hard-earned through experience. They are absolutely justified and no reaction is “bad” or “wrong.” There’s nothing to fix, but there is always something to notice. The good the bad and the ugly are all packed with information about where our own life needs our love, attention, and intention.
So react how you feel to…or in most cases how you already did…then pause. Breathe. Investigate.
Why is there so much energy for me in this exchange? What, within me, is longing to be free and deeply understood that this reaction points to? What, within me, is searching to be seen, nurtured, and loved into my everyday life?
Sometimes you’re just tired, or hungry, or dehydrated…so don’t turn every physiological change into an existential crisis. Drink your water, move your body, eat nutritiously, clear the mind, express creatively …
And react naturally.
Then pause. Regularly. For guidance.
Judgments: It’s definitely you
Every judgment that we send out in the world is a reflection of something we do not accept within ourselves.
If you think I’m judging you for judging others, you’re right. It’s something I’m working on.
What I’m unwilling to accept in others is a reflection of something I am yet to love within myself. Anywhere there’s a “they’re…” there, there’s an “I’m” longing to be accepted and loved.
We hold within us the potential to be everything that we see... even the “worst” choices remain available at any point in our lives. If we weren’t worried about being or becoming what we see, we would be indifferent to it, without judgment.
Our judgments are messages from our unresolved pain, our disconnect with who we long to be, and our deepest need to be free, acceptable, and loved.
Judging is not a mistake. To judge is to engage with everyday life and decision making. It’s a necessary part of our experience. But to assume that judgments hold nothing for us is to miss some of our greatest insights into what remains unloved, beyond our awareness.
So, judge away!
Then pause. Regularly. For guidance.
Resentment: It shouldn’t be you
Of these four apps, resentment can be the most difficult to notice. Here’s a heuristic that’s worked for me: I have to pretended to be happy for the people I resent. If you’ve ever had to force yourself to say “I’m so happy for you(them),” there’s resentment.
Just like the other mind-made stories, it’s totally normal. I used to be annoyed of educational speakers who I thought didn’t deserve their success, or writers I didn’t appreciate who had a huge following…but once I started honoring my own desire to speak and write, I actually started to appreciate others’ success.
I felt humbled once I recognized the amount of work it takes to be successful in anything. Without embarking on the journey that is calling to us, we create a story about how much more deserving we are of things we don’t even work towards.
Whether its politicians, influencers, co-workers, or neighbors who we don’t perceive as deserving their success, resentment is teaching us what we are longing to express in the world.
If you aren’t indifferent or genuinely happy about someone else’s success, something within you is longing to be let out. If they can, you can too! Your success won’t mirror theirs, it will be uniquely yours. Offer what you can with what you have, and let your resentment be your guide.
Be resentful!
Then pause. Regularly. For guidance.
Jealousy: I wish it were me
There will always be someone who outperforms us or has a “better” situation in each, limited aspect of life. Whether its wealth, fame, health, status, familial relationships, attention, career progress, or specific skills and achievements…the list can go on.
No one has it all, but someone will inevitably have “more” in every area of life. Yes, every one struggles in their own way, but “fairness” and “equality” are not natural laws. Differentiation is inevitable.
Yet there will never be anyone else who has the experience of being you. Experience cannot be shared. We are mistaken to believe that we know what the experience of _______ (enter any success or area of life listed above) would be like for us. And, we don’t at all understand what it’s like to be “them.”
When dealing with the complexity of life, the whole is not the sum of its parts. There is nuance in every aspect. Wealth, fame, and a perfect body seem great in isolation … but nothing exists in isolation. Every bit of life is interwoven into every other bit. We want the body without the insane maintenance, the wealth without the distraction, and the fame without the disruption.
Again, it’s natural and normal to feel jealous, but what is it actually pointing to?
For me, I don’t actually want what “they” have. I want what I could become with some attention to the isolated area of life that triggered the jealousy. If it’s wealth, I need to bring some attention to my finances. If it’s a shiny six pack, I need to bring some awareness to my health rituals.
Let your jealousy set you free.
Then pause. Regularly. For Guidance.
As we set ourselves free from our mind-made stories, we may release who we think we should be. To get a glimpse of who we truly are.
There are no words for the beauty of this experience, even a glimpse. I hope each of us can come to know it, not just believe it.